Wake up from the Fog

The Real and Raw

I choose Happy. But I didn’t always, at least not consciously. This is not to say I chose unhappy either, I just didn’t choose. Period. Have you ever felt like you were walking around doing everyday tasks, living a bit in a fog, not really sure where your path is going but not necessarily doing anything about it, either? Maybe you are thinking right now “wait? this doesn’t have anything to do with fashion”. And, in a way, you are right. I wanted to give you, my reader, some insight into me, how and when my path got off track, and how I was able to redirect it all to where I am now.  

In my first blog post, I wrote a little about myself and how I became a wardrobe stylist. What I didn’t tell you is that even though I was loving the industry and what I was doing (despite the sometimes insane demands, frenetic schedule and long hours), I had become complacent and resistant to the fact that the industry was changing and to my intuition continually tugging on me to make changes and adjustments to my career.  

In other words, the Universe was speaking, but I wasn’t listening.  

A Little History

Let me paint a picture. A year ago in April. Me, my two kids and husband — Italy. Sitting in a piazza following a long and exhausting overnight flight, eating yummy pizza and drinking Italian wine. Picture perfect — until it wasn’t. I bite into a slice and OMG WHAT? I feel my front tooth do something funky and my body telling me something is wrong. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know what exactly it is. I feel a wave of panic. I stop eating. But the tooth is still in place so Ok — PHEW. Next morning arrives and I’m eating (yes, again because that is what you do in Italy) a croissant waiting for a bus to take us on a 15 hour tour to Positano and Pompeii. One bite in and my FRONT tooth breaks off. Let me be clear. It wasn’t just a chip, or a small piece of the tooth — It’s the whole freaking thing. Now I’m shaking and I feel like I’m going to pass out. I walk over to a mirror and look. Yup. It’s gone. Actually, it’s still in my mouth but THANK GOD I don’t swallow it. 

Since some of you reading this don’t know me, I’m going to admit that I’m very vain. My appearance is important to both me and to my career. But mostly just to me. Your smile is everything. Google Demi Moore losing her two front teeth due to stress. It wasn’t pretty.

So now I have no front tooth, I’m in Italy, I’m about to get on a long ass bus tour, oh and did I mention — I’m in ITALY? How the hell am I going to fix this? Can it even be fixed? I have no clue — all I know it that my tooth is in my hand and I have 8 days ahead of me in another country.  

(A selfie in Positano….I refused to smile or speak to anyone that day)

My Demise

There’s a lot more to this story but it’s not the main point. Ultimately I have the tooth fixed and life goes on.  But for 8 or 9 months my life went into a tailspin. Here’s what happened. For starters, I pretty much stopped eating (although I really did believe I was eating, those around me will attest to the fact that I wasn’t). I wouldn’t bite into anything. I cut all my food into tiny little pieces and shoved it into the back of my mouth. This took so much effort that I’m guessing the amount of food actually being consumed wasn’t very much. Not to mention the fact that I was in pain (still unexplained) for this whole time period which brought me to every kind of tooth doctor known to man (and two root canals later which I still question if they were necessary).  

I lost 15 pounds. Don’t go saying “oh poor you, boo-hoo, feel so sorry for you”. Because I was truly a HOT MESS. I thought I was dying. Looking back I know it wasn’t warranted, but at the time, no one could convince me this wasn’t the case. Not the myriad of doctors and specialists I saw or all the negative test results that came back proving otherwise. My Google search history was flooded with symptom checkers. Important note — Google doctor sucks and it will pretty much convince you that everything is cancer. I was suffering from panic attacks on a daily basis. I saw a Psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD (don’t get mad I know veterans have a much more justifiable diagnosis, but I’m not making it up..this is what he told me). I have since learned that PTSD is apparently not as uncommon as you would think and can happen from many every day life events. Not only that, but dreaming of your teeth falling out is a common indicator of stress and anxiety (a dream I had had many times before this happened). 

The Point

So what does all of this have to do with my career and my consciously choosing happy? I reached my own personal rock bottom. People didn’t want to be around me — Hell, I didn’t want to me around me. I went from bubbly, energetic, fun Kristen to a depressed, miserable version of myself. Until I woke up and said enough is enough. It was either continue to stay in this horrific state of mind or do a complete overhaul. Didn’t I already know that I needed to redesign my webpage? Why hadn’t I done that? Hadn’t I been talking (and talking and talking) about starting a blog, influencing women over 35 with fashion and trend advice, applying to liketoknow.it (since all the girls on there are pretty much in their 20’s and hard to be relatable to the older female generation). 

I knew that my production industry was changing, work was dwindling down due to advertising money allotted towards influencers, brand ambassadors and social media. I knew all of this but I was living in my own fog and AFRAID (yes AFRAID is the KEY word here), to do any of these things. What if I failed, what if I didn’t have time, looked stupid, was judged, talked about? 

Until the Universe didn’t give me a choice. 

I started meditating, manifesting, envisioning what I wanted and meeting the Universe half way (because you can’t just sit on your ass and ask for things without making some effort). As soon as I started vibrating on a higher frequency the most amazing opportunities came into my path. And I had made a conscious decision that anything that came my way (within reason) I was going to do, no matter what. 

The Grand Finale

So here is the bottom line because I could go on and on about all of this but I have a lot on my plate (thank you Universe) and I don’t want your eyes to start glazing over.

DON’T wait for the Universe to give you a big, ugly wake-up call. Don’t walk through life in a fog, knowing there is something you have always wanted to do but you aren’t doing for a multitude of (likely) invalid reasons (especially the FEAR one, that one is a doozy). 

What is your dream, your passion? Just do it. Picture it, live your life as if its happening, meet the Universe half way by taking any steps to help it along.

Sometimes I still get feel a panic when I bite into something. I wish it wasn’t there but I guess now it is a part of me. Perhaps it is a small reminder from the Universe if I am getting off track. I wouldn’t choose to relive those 8 or 9 months, but I am grateful because it brought me to where I am today.

I chose not to link any fashion looks on here because I want this to really sink in and resonate  with you. Read it again. and again. And then wake up from your fog and go for everything you have ever wanted!

Much love,

Photo credit Marta Chodur Photography (Instagram @martusian)